2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
