You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
