I wish I could teleport
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
