Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
