my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
