Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
