3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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