So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
should my penis look like a turkey
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
