Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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