why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
