You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
