So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
