I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
