he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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