Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
