did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
