totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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