you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
