im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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