I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
