You're my little dorito
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
