peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
