In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
