I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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