Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
