Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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