My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
did i walk over a car last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
