Barsexuality is the new black.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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