My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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