I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
