I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize