Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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