I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I touched a dick in church today
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
