you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
