any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
