mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
