I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
