Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
