I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
