My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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