We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
