She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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