My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
