I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
