he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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