Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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