I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
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I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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