yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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