I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
