I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize