Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just gift wrapped bread.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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