sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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