I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think people are normalizing furries
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
