Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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