He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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