I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
